


when words fail

by nielzikyungwoon



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Mentioned Erwin Smith, but the happy ending isn't there yet, rivarmin - Freeform, the happy ending is here now !!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:47:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27042964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nielzikyungwoon/pseuds/nielzikyungwoon
Summary: in one of the houses left in shiganshina after the fight,levi breaks.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Levi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 55





	1. when words fail

**Author's Note:**

> it's my first time writing for this fandom (and this ship !!) so please be gentle with me. and there will be an epilogue of sorts after this, i just haven't gotten to writing it yet.

"you promised me we'd go see the sea together."

"..."

"you told me you love me, too."

silence.

"if you love me like you say you did, that you even wanted me to be the one to fulfill your lifelong dream with you, then why did you do that? how can you just sacrifice yourself without even thinking about how i'd feel in the end? i'd be the one losing someone i love so i have the right to have a say in it too, right?"

still silence.

"oi, armin! say something!"

he wasn't usually one to get angry, much less scream, at the one he loves.

yes he's known as the stoic, emotionless, and harsh captain that he is. but when it would come to the golden-haired boy - the one he loves, his mind supplies - he always had a soft spot for him. when he would so much as even just be around the younger, he'd end up showing a side to him that no one ever really saw. 

he would suddenly turn into this awkward, heart-beating-out-of-his-chest being; icy gray eyes suddenly softening and voice showing emotion for once just to make the blond smile - stumbling over his words and so out of his usual "humanity's strongest" character who can always hold back on his emotions.

he's always been soft for armin. so seeing him like this now, showing emotion other than love for the cadet, is something unusual even to him.

but, he guesses, even the strongest soldier can have limits and break sometimes, right?

so here he is, hands gripping tightly onto armin's arms, eyes so close to tears and breath uneven.

he's pretty sure that the last time something like this happened was when he lost two people so close to him before, he considered them his family.

so becoming like that again now speaks levels on how much he loves the one in front of him.

he knows that maybe he should be a little bit softer considering what just happened to the younger - choosing to die for the sake of humanity and giving up on his dream, then waking up to realize that he now has the burden of needing to be as strong, intelligent, and capable as their former commander - but _goddamnit_ he was so close to losing the only person he's ever really loved just back then too.

"armin, please talk to me, _look_ at me."

but the blond still doesn't move, head tilted down and eyes casted to the floor, avoiding levi's strong gaze.

levi usually loves armin's golden hair, reminds him of an angel amidst the chaotic world they're in as they perfectly frame his face. but right now, he can't help but hate how his bangs cover the ocean blue eyes.

he still hasn't said anything, but levi can see how the younger's taking in shuddering breaths as well, whole body trembling.

his hands move to cup armin's face, tilts it up to look at him.

and he's been wanting to see his angel's face the whole time, but suddenly seeing it, he breaks down.

the tears start streaming down, and he can't even stop them;

he can't believe that he almost lost his light.

"armin-"

"-i,"

ocean meets ice, finally, both so filled with emotion.

a pause.

"...i thought you didn't want me. not anymore, or...

or maybe not all along."

soft hands grasp onto his wrists, his hands still framing the other's face.

he's sure that confusion and disbelief are evident on his face by now.

"how could you have even loved me, or even liked me in any way? i'm weak. i'm not brave or strong like mikasa, i'm not capable like eren.

i'm not wise like erwin and i can't be like him.

i'm not erwin,

so why did you choose me now, and why did you choose me before?"

armin's red-rimmed eyes have tears flowing down them now too, but he couldn't even wipe them away.

his hands stay frozen on armin's face, eyes wide now but still crying.

"...what?"

"i figured, that maybe you just said yes to being with me that night, because you didn't want to hurt me - you didn't want to hurt anyone. but still, i was happy. i was happy because even if i didn't expect anything from confessing to someone i learned to love, i still got you. but i was wrong, wasn't i? i never had you.

you said you liked someone who's brave, and strong, and caring, and smart. so i tried to be like that even if i wasn't. i tried to find someone who i could look up to, and i realized that erwin was someone like that, so i tried to be like him - tried to be like that. but then one day i realized, that erwin was _that_."

both of them are shaking so bad now, tears dropping to the floor. and levi wants to say something, wants to stop all that armin's thinking and saying because _no, no, no_ \- none of them were true.

but he can't find - can't muster - any of the words he wants to say, and armin has all the words he wants to say so he continues,

"i saw how you looked at him. and i know what it meant because it was how i look at you. _everyone_ sees how you look and they all realize what it means too, and they say you've always looked at him like that. they say that they don't know how he looks back at you because he's always thinking about his plans, and theories, and being the commander."

a breath.

"you said yes to being with me, because you knew that erwin didn't look at you like that though. so when a kid came looking like erwin and seeming like him, maybe you figured that that was the closest you can get to being with him.

i wanted to hate you. but how could i hate the one person i love? so i just went on loving you even if it hurt so much. and then we were left with nothing left to do against bertholdt, and i figured out a plan that only i could do because i wasn't important; losing me wasn't that big of a deal compared to losing the others. so even if i was scared to do it at first, i realized that no one would really _miss_ me anyway, because the only thing special about me was that i had a dream to see the sea. but eren could do that for me so..."

a smile makes its way onto armin's face, and usually levi loves seeing his smile - would do anything to make him smile, in fact. but the smile on the blond's face was just forced and filled with pain.

"i would end up helping save humanity even just in the slightest bit. and i figured that at least for a moment, i could be like erwin. and i hoped that even if just for a moment too, you'd love me for being like him."

armin pulls his hands down, and holds onto them,

 _for the last time like this maybe,_ the blond thinks.

"i thought hard that maybe you chose me this time around because you loved me, even if just a bit. but really, you chose him, didn't you? you chose to save him from being in this _hell_ any longer. you chose to not make him a monster."

he's still crying, barely even able to breathe at this point because he's never been this hurt before.

how could he not see that armin - his minnie - was hurting?

_"i promise you, minnie, i'll never hurt you, alright? i'll always make you happy from now on."_

hurting, and all because of him.

even if he didn't love erwin like armin said he did, he still hurt him because he knows how bad the demons in armin's head can get - and he wasn't able to stop them all this time, couldn't even stop it now because his words are still failing him.

armin leans his forehead on the captain's shoulder, too tired to keep up a smiling face - even if it was fake and unbelievable, he muses.

"heichou, now that i'm the one you chose though, it's okay to be with me just because i look like him. you can use me to heal yourself. that's how much i lo-"

he cuts himself off.

 _why bring up something that won't mean anything to him anyway,_ the younger thinks.

"i'm not erwin, and i'll never be erwin. but if you need me to be, i'll do it even if it hurts - just so i won't lose you.

but, ah-"

armin lifts his head off from levi, broken ocean eyes making contact with levi's icy gray ones once again.

"i guess i can't lose you if i never even had you in the first place though, huh?"

and seeing how broken his angel has become, he starts to regret so much for not being able to save the one he loves.

in a house in the broken down shiganshina district,

levi finally breaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it angsty enough?? it's my first time writing angst and i hope i did well in some sorts. 
> 
> \+ there will be a happy ending, dw !! i'm too whipped for rivarmin to leave it at that.
> 
> ++ comments are very much appreciated so i can write more for this ship !!


	2. finding the words

blank, icy eyes continue to stare at armin,

shuddering breaths the only sound breaking the silence in the room.

no tears were even falling anymore from levi's eyes, he had ran out of them from crying too much in the past few minutes.

he didn't even know if he was capable of hurting any more than he was now, didn't know if his heart could break any further.

all he was left to feel was...

_numb._

they had just lost their commander a few hours ago - he had just lost one of the closest people he's ever had to him, but he figured that he'd make it through because with the decision of losing erwin, he ended up still having armin with him;

and that was all he needed, really,

that armin was still beside him and in this world.

but somehow,

why does it feel like he's still lost him?

"heichou,"

a light squeeze on his hands to hopefully bring him back,

he still stares on ahead in a trance.

and then it's armin's turn to hold his face in his hands, thumbs softly stroking his cheeks,

"we have to start heading back now."

one last tear races down the blond's cheek before he lets go, finally stepping away from his captain and-

and it suddenly feels so _cold_ without armin's hands on him and he _hates_ it;

hates feeling cold because it was always so dark when it was cold.

it was cold and dark in the underground and he found his bit of sunlight when farlan and isabel where with him, only to have it ripped away from him in seconds and left him feeling cold and lost and _lonely_ once again.

he's been wandering in the dark for so long, and then he finally found his sun the first time ocean met ice all those months ago after he saved the brat - _his_ brat - from a titan. and since then, he felt warm, _so warm,_ for the first time in his life when the blond would so much as just grace him with his presence from afar. so when he got even just the slightest bit of taste of having armin as his, able to make him smile and bring light to his life, he decided he would do everything - anything - to keep his sunshine shining and in his life.

so now that he realizes how much he's hurt his armin and that his words feel so much like a goodbye, he wants to cry out because he'll be stumbling in the cold again.

the last bit of warmth leaves him when armin exits the door - but please, please, _please_ not his life, he begs - his knees buckle and he falls to the ground.

_who knew that the only thing that could bring humanity's strongest soldier to his knees would be someone who doesn't even see himself as important?_

_how can he even say that he's a burden and someone who's weak when he's the air levi breathes?_

"levi!"

suddenly, hands clutch onto his shoulders and ocean blue eyes still rimmed red make their way into his line of sight.

and the sobs racking his body slowly stop.

"why did you do that, you could have hurt yourself!"

for all the hurt the younger says he went through because of levi, the older can only wonder how he can still care and love for the one who brought him pain - no matter how unknowingly it was done.

and he knows it's a bad time now but for some reason,

that just makes him fall even more for the cadet.

soft hands make their way to his cheeks once again, and he can't help but lean onto them.

"are you hurt?"

he can only shake his head slowly, still trying to find the words to say to make armin stay.

"okay, heichou you have to stand now though, we can't keep the others wai-"

"i love you."

it was only a whisper, but he only needed to have the words reach the world and well,

his world was right in front of him.

disbelieving bright blue eyes blink at him, and he's finally able to have his gray ones meet them.

"...what?"

"i love you,"

a bit louder and surer this time around.

"levi, don't say things you don't mea-"

"i love you."

the younger seems frozen in his place, before he suddenly looks down and pulls down his hands as well.

"levi, please don't say it if it's not for me. please don't make me hope-"

he breaks himself off, now being the one to not have words.

so, levi's thankful that _he's_ the one who's got the words now, found them because he couldn't afford to have the blond but not _have_ him.

 _he's_ the one who moves forward now, strong enough for the both of them as he moves into armin's space.

"well, you could hope all you want now because i mean it.

armin, i love you.

i love _you._ "

he hears the other's breath hitch at that, and he moves his cold hands to lace with warm ones, leans his forehead onto armin's so that they're so close.

"how could you not see that you were all that i wanted, that being brave and strong and caring and smart is all _you._ you were what i wanted from the start - not mikasa, not eren, and undoubtedly not erwin."

he pulls armin to lean onto the crook of his neck, seeing tears start down his cheeks once again.

"you're strong because you can keep on going even if you fall down so many times, you're smart because nothing could have changed within the scouts if not for you. you're caring because you can still put me first even if you just said that i hurt you so much."

he pauses for a moment,

"you're brave because even i would be scared shitless to trade my life like that for humanity, sacrifice it to save the others."

he hears soft sobs coming from the blond now, and somehow, tears make their way into his eyes again.

"minnie, how could you ever say that i love erwin like that, when you're the first one i've loved like this? how bad do you see yourself to think that i look at him the way i look at you, believe what others say and shut me out when i told you that you can lean on me? i don't love anyone else like i do you, i never did and i never will. i chose you before because you made my life so much better and i wanted to keep that. and i love you for _you,_ i never want you to be like erwin and i never just "settled" for you because how can i want something more when you're the best i can get?"

hands clutch onto his back, and even his sight is blurry from the tears now but he still goes on,

"i've always wanted you, and i'll always choose you. you don't have to think if i would ever not want you when all my life, you're what i've been always looking for."

he pulls away from armin just the slightest bit to see his face, and he turns softer seeing red cheeks and a red nose.

_beautiful._

"you don't know how difficult it was, having to choose as a captain or as me. when i saw you, i knew i just had to give you the serum but then floch, _fucking floch,_ made it so hard, bringing erwin. i knew i couldn't lose you but there was this voice that was telling me we couldn't lose the commander and i was so scared shitless having to think of losing you and having to go on without you."

pause,

"i knew that maybe you wouldn't like having to live with the burden of being a commander and the colossus but _sina,_ when erwin rejected the serum i was so glad knowing that it meant keeping you. i figured i'd just never leave you and be with you every step of the way after that so you wouldn't be scared."

armin presses their foreheads together again, noses touching with how close they are,

"i'd choose you any second, any day, so how can you think that i don't want you when it's you. it's always you. it's you who's my sun, you who's my warmth, you who's the air i breathe,

you,"

a firm kiss on his forehead,

"you,"

a kiss to his right cheek,

"you,"

a kiss to his left cheek,

then to the tip of his nose, slowly,

"you,"

a breath,

before he locks his lips onto armin's;

he doesn't know how much time passes - second, minutes, hours - but he doesn't care, if it would mean seeing a smile slowly but surely make its way onto the blond's lips,

he would try and find the words again and again everyday,

"you."

a sigh - a happy one, he notes, thank sina - escapes armin's lips and he can't help but let a smile creep onto his own face.

"i love you, armin arlert, and don't you dare say that i don't want you when i can't even think about having to live without you, got that?"

a giggle from the younger, and _sina,_ he loves it.

"oi, arlert, what the hell are you laughing about, huh?"

"nothing, captain, it's just-

is that an order, levi heichou?"

" _yes,_ brat, so believe me and never leave me, minnie."

and armin doesn't even answer him, arms wrapping around his neck and lurching forward to kiss him that he even falls to the floor.

the floors are dirty, filled with dust, and hanji may or may not be screaming at him to stop flirting and stop being a cradle-snatcher, but who the hell cares when he's got armin in his life and in his arms, exactly as he wants him to be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope the fluff's alright ??


End file.
